I’ve really tried to avoid thinking about what’s fair and what’s not since my original diagnosis back in June. I’m a big enough girl to know that life isn’t fair and whinging about it doesn’t help and doesn’t achieve anything. But this morning I’ve been hit with a real dose of the blues. I feel…
So I’ve had my first two cycles of the new chemo regime and soon it’ll be time for the CT scan to see if it’s having any effect. I have been doing fine in the last couple of weeks generally. While the chemo makes me feel weary and achy and nauseous, it is not hard…
Elliot and I often talk with Tali about being the best possible version of herself. As she is only just 7, this is probably a bit hard for her to understand. What we mean is that there are times when she is amazing – mature, kind, empathetic, questioning, interested, sensitive, calm – and times when…
Here are the people in my thoughts and prayers today. Penny Hampson. Please keep fighting, beautiful lady. Jojo Gingerhead. Fingers crossed for you at the Marsden today. Louise Nicholson. Let’s hold hands virtually, and weather the SEs together. Sarah Perry. Because you rock, dude! Andrea and Cinzia. Just because I love you. Jo Fine. Always…
I’ve never been all that good at accepting help. My dad delights in frequently retelling anyone he can (hi Dad – I know you’ll be reading this!) that, aged 2, I got out of my buggy, went round behind it and insisted “Roro push”. Even at that tender age, I wanted to be doing the…
I am sitting hooked up to the “chemo machine” – the pump that delivers my drugs directly into my veins via Cath (my portacath). The noise of the pump will be one that haunts me, rather like the noise of the foetal heart monitor during pregnancy check ups, but – for obvious reasons – less…
This morning I ‘fessed up to the kids about the recent developments. I thought it was going to be awful but in the end it wasn’t. They provided us with the perfect opportunity – they both woke up early-ish but after a good sleep, they were relaxed and they were in our bedroom playing on…
I’ve been thinking about bad luck a lot in the last couple of days. I’m not particularly superstitious, so I don’t really believe in “luck” as such, but I do seem to be suffering from quite a lot of bad luck at the moment. This train of thought kicked off primarily because of conversations about…
Over the last few days I feel like I have been very aware of both life and death. That sounds incredibly melodramatic and it hasn’t been, so let me explain why I said it. Some of my experiences in the last couple of days have been truly life-affirming, albeit in a low key way. Tali…
Yesterday two things happened that helped my mental and emotional state enormously. I had my first counselling session and I had a long chat with a dear friend whose mum died when he was only 7. I’ve always been a bit dismissive of counselling and other talking therapies, but something happened to me yesterday morning.…
PS. My husband says I need to find the funny. It can’t all be serious. We have to laugh. He’s right. So here’s a silly joke that always makes me laugh. What’s brown and sticky? A stick. What’s brown and sticky and can see through windows? A poo on stilts. Ta-dah.
I haven’t been able to blog for a while as the noise in my head has been deafening. The noise only goes away when I go to sleep. When I am awake it stops me from thinking straight, from separating sensible ideas from ludicrous ones, from working out which way is up and which is…